After all, how often do we misunderstand each other even though we actually use the same words? Today we’re delving into the fascinating world of communication and taking a look at key theories and practical tips to help avoid misunderstandings and make conversations effective.

The sender-receiver model according to Paul Watzlawick: you are always communicating

Have you ever said: “I didn’t say anything!” – and the other person still reacts irritated or hurt? According to Paul Watzlawick, this is one of the key insights into communication: “You cannot not communicate.”
Every gesture, every silence, every eye roll – they all send a message. Imagine you are sitting with a colleague and while you are talking, he is constantly checking his cell phone. You don’t feel heard and have the feeling that your conversation is not important. The content of the conversation is the same, but the relationship aspect (i.e. how he behaves towards you) is perceived completely differently.

The 5 axioms of communication: understanding misunderstandings

Watzlawick formulated five rules to help you understand why communication often doesn’t work the way we want it to.

1. “You cannot not communicate.”
   If you are giving a presentation in a professional context and your listeners are writing emails or looking out of the window, they are communicating to you that they don’t find what you are saying interesting.
2. “Every communication has a content aspect and a relationship aspect.”
   Example: Your boss says: “Have you finished the task yet?”
   The content is clear – it’s about whether the task is finished. But the relationship aspect can even override the content. You may feel criticized, even if the boss doesn’t mean it that way, but actually just wanted to know if you’ve finished.
3. “Communication is always cause and effect.”
   Example: You say: “I told you I’d clear that away!” Your partner replies irritably: “You never do anything around the house!” A small exchange that can quickly escalate – but there is often a cause behind every reaction that has already “ignited” in the other person. This is often due to the different realities of each person. In this case, person 1 actually intended to put the object away, but only after doing something else. For person 2, it was clear that it would happen in the next 10 minutes.
4. “Human communication uses analog and digital modalities.”
   Here’s a simple example: If you say, “I’m fine” while frowning, your words come across differently than you may have intended. The digital communication (the words) and the analog (the body language) do not match.
5. “Communication is symmetrical or complementary.”
   We speak of symmetrical communication when both conversation partners strive for equality and of complementary communication when the conversation partners complement each other. Both forms of communication work as long as both interlocutors view the communication in the same way.

Schulz von Thun: Four aspects of a message

Friedemann Schulz von Thun goes one step further and says that every message contains not only the content, but also three other aspects:

Factual level: What is being said?
Example: “The meeting is in an hour.” What is being communicated and how should the facts be understood? If too much emphasis is placed on this level, it can lead to topics that are on the relationship level, for example, being completely ignored, meaning that although the subject matter is factual, the topic is missed.

Self-revelation: What is the sender saying about themselves?
Let’s stick with the example “The meeting is in an hour.” The sender of the message is revealing something about themselves with this statement, perhaps that they will be on time. The receiver thinks about what the sender is revealing with this statement and perhaps comes to the same conclusion, but the receiver can look at the conversation from a distance and understand the sender better.

Relationship aspect: What is going on between the conversation partners?
Here, too, we stick with the example: “The meeting is in an hour.” The sender of the message may be thinking, I know that the recipient is always late, so I’d better remind him, because punctuality is important to Mr. B. If the focus is on this aspect of the communication, the recipient may understand/think the following: I’m not stupid, I know myself that Mr. B is a punctuality fanatic. Who does the sender think he has in front of him?

Appeal: What should the recipient do?
Example: “The meeting is in an hour.” The sender wants to say that the recipient should be on time. The receiver gets the message that they should be on time, but if there is too much focus at this level, they may perceive the reminder as a reprimand.

What you can do: Practical tips for better communication

Now that we’ve looked at the theory behind communication, let’s look at how you can prevent misunderstandings.

Active listening

We often only half-listen when someone is speaking and are already on to the next thought. But real listening means really concentrating, asking questions and reflecting on what you have heard.
Example: Your friend says: “I feel like you’re not taking me seriously.” Instead of reacting defensively (“That’s not true!”), you could say: “I hear that you feel like you’re not being heard. What exactly made you feel that way?”
This shows interest and that the other person’s opinion is important to you.

Ask questions without judging

Avoid judging directly. Instead, ask open questions that give the other person space to express themselves.
Example: Instead of “Why didn’t you do that again?” ask: “What prevented you from doing it?” – This shows understanding and openness.

Use “I” messages

Instead of blaming the other person, talk about your own feelings and needs.
Example: Instead of “You’re always so unreliable!”, say: “I feel stressed when tasks aren’t completed on time.”

Fun fact:

The influence of body language Did you know that only 7% of communication is through words, while 55% is conveyed through body language and 38% through voice? This means that your facial expression, posture and even tone of voice say more about your message than what you actually say. So pay attention not only to your words, but also to your body language – it could often reveal more than you think!

Communication: What you should avoid

There are a few mistakes that repeatedly lead to misunderstandings:

Generalizations: “You always do it wrong!”
Instead, say: “In this situation, things didn’t go as planned.”

Redemptions: “You just don’t understand me.”
Better: “I have the feeling that my words aren’t quite getting through to you.”

Unchecked contexts of meaning: “If she doesn’t write me back, it means she’s angry.”
Better: “I haven’t received a reply yet. Maybe she’s busy.”

Conclusion:

Communication is more than words Good communication is not just about finding the right word, but also about how you express yourself, how you listen and how you respond to the other person. By becoming aware of how communication works and what pitfalls there are, you can significantly improve your conversations. Give it a try: pay attention to body language, tone of voice and your own reactions during your next conversation – you’ll be amazed at how much more you understand!